More then an anecdote.
Telling a political anecdote in totalitarian state was one of the ways to feel oneself free from lie and hypocrisy. Sharing an anecdote with a friend one would deliver himself from the power of the system, from the realm of soviet matrix. It could be pretty risky and dangerous as well. Since the walls had ears. One could easily get 10 years for telling a joke in the Stalin's time.
Hear comes an anecdote: Question: How many times can you tell a good joke in the Soviet Union? Answer: Three times. Once to a friend. Once to a police investigator- and once to your cell mate.
- Stalin informed Beria that his tobacco-pipe was missing. The next day
Stalin told Beria that the pipe was found.
'But I've already arrested 25 people regarding this matter, and they all
admitted to the crime!' said Beria
- An archaeologist finds a mummy in Egypt. An international debate starts over how old it could be... Nobody knows, so the mummy is brought to various countries for analysis by different experts...
It is brought to the USA first, the US specialists say, it is 3.000 years old.
Then, the Japanese, precise as usually, find that it is 2.953 years old.
The Russians come with the final result: "The mummy is 2.953 years, 5 months, 2 weeks and 4 days old". Journalists curiously ask how they found this out, the Russians reply: "The mummy was taken to the KGB and he confessed under torture"
- Soviet leaders Josef Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev and Leonid Brezhnev are traveling by train. Suddenly, the train grinds to a halt. Stalin is the first to try to solve the problem. He orders that the engine driver be shot for sabotage and he deports the co-driver to Siberia. The train doesn't move. Khrushchev tries next. He brings the co-driver back from Siberia and tells him, "You've been away for a long time, but try to remember which controls do what." He can't and the train doesn't move. Finally, Brezhnev gives it a go. He orders that all the blinds be drawn across the windows and that passengers start rocking back and forth in their seats—creating, at least, the impression the train's moving.
- If what the communists are doing with Russia is an experiment, for this experiment i would not spare even a frog. Professor I.P.Pavlov, 1918.
- Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev is making a speech. He finishes, then, as usual, asks for questions. After a long silence, a man finally asks, "Was communism invented by scientists or by communists?" Somewhat stumped, Brezhnev finally answers that it was invented by communists. "I thought so too," responds the man. "Scientists would have tested it on mice first."
- Is communism a science? -No. If it were, they would've tried it on dogs first.
- The Americans purchase Lenin's body and place it in a little display at the top of the Empire State Building. Then one day Lenin gets up, gazes down on New York, and says with a smile of a deep satisfaction, "What a beauty! Exactly as I was telling the comrades what our future would be!"
- What is a bream? -A whale that managed to swim to communism.
- A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon." The audience wonders quietly, "What IS a horizon?" -Answer: an imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off when you try to get closer.
- Rabinowich works in the Kremlin. He sits on Spassky Tower and looks into the distance in order to signal when he sees the communist ideal approaching. Americans try to lure him to their side to help them predict when an economic crisis is coming. Rabinowich, however, refuses their offer, insisting, "I need a permanent job."
- Is it true that under communism people could order food by phone? -Yes, but the delivery was by TV.
- Is it possible to build communism in Israel? -Why would such a small country need such big happiness?
- Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in shit, while Stalin is only up to his waist?" -He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."
- What has 40 teeth and 4 legs? -A crocodile. What has 4 teeth and 40 legs? -The Central Committee of the Communist Party.
- "I disagree with the communists only on the agrarian issues," said Rabinowich. "They want me to lie in the ground, which is precisely what I want them to do."
- A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting. -"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.
- "Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?" "Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"
- Television tells us that our country abounds in food, and yet my refrigerator is empty. What's wrong with it? Simple -- just hook up you refrigerator to a TV cable.
- A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance. -"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker. -"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."
- Newly installed Soviet leader Juri Andropov receives a letter from recently deceased Leonid Brezhnev."I'm in hell," it reads. "It's not that bad here. But please send me a fork and knife. When Hitler's on duty, he always forces me to eat with a hammer and sickle."
- Brezhnev asks the Pope - Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise? - That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.
- Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer: - I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour. - No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.
- Brezhnev called together a group of cosmonauts. 'Comrades! The Americans have landed on the Moon. We here have consulted and have decided that you will go to the Sun!'
'But we will burn up, Leonid Iljich!'
'Be not afraid, comrades, the Party has thought of everything. You
will leave at night.'
- Nixon asks God: - When will unemployment go down in the US? - In 20 years. - Too bad that it won't happen during my lifetime, regrets Nixon. Brezhnev asks: - When will the Russian people get a happy life? - I regret it won't be during my lifetime, says God.
- A teacher asks: - Vovochka, who is your father? - Comrade Stalin. - Well, who is your mother? - Our Soviet motherland. - And what do you want to be? - An orphan....
- A telephone is ringing in the Kremlin. It's a long-distance call, and someone wants to speak with Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev. A staffer tells the caller that, unfortunately, the long-ailing Brezhnev is now dead. After just a few minutes, the phone rings again and the same voice asks to speak with Brezhnev. "Look, he's dead!," the caller is told once more. "Didn't you hear me the first time?!" "Of course. But it's just such a nice thing to hear."
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